The First Date Debate (or, once again, in praise of the Slut).

Over at The Frisky, there's a post extolling the virtues of not having sex on the first date-- a post inspired by a friend's husband, who said he'd never be with the friend is they'd slept together on the first date....

Edward, who has been happily married to my friend for over a year (after dating for four years before that), told me matter-of-factly, “If my wife and I had slept together on the first date, I can guarantee you we would have never been married.” This was almost insane to hear from him—they did not have a slow courtship at all. If I remember correctly, within three weeks they were saying I love you and within just a few months they were living together. Still, they waited at least a few dates before doing the nasty and Edward credits that for building up enough intrigue which eventually led to them falling in love and getting married. But sleep together right away and, “the mystery is gone before it can even be cultivated,” he said.

Edward, my friends, is an idiot.

I'd like to begin by saying that the essential problem with this romanticized view of sex, as if it were a gift to be unwrapped and if unwrapped too soon, the mystery will be lost, is threefold:

First, most of us have had sex before and it isn't terribly mysterious. It's just sex. It feels really good. And (here's the secret) it feels even better when you and your partner practice.

Secondly, there is the scarcity problem. At some point in a male's life, we may begin to understand the truth of the "Fish and the Sea" proverb: if a girl you are seeing will not have sex, there are always other girls who will. This is why girls who stop having sex in relationships shouldn't be terribly surprised that their man has cheated on them--- and especially so, with men in vice-versa situations (it's even easier for the woman, so you two had better be compatible). If you think keeping your "gift wrapped" through a few dates makes you "special" the person you're dating is likely dealing with a small pool of potential mates or is sexist, has gotten laid more than you or your friends have put together and believes you should be damn near a virgin. And he'll probably be jealous and possessive if he thinks you've screwed more than 2 guys (you dirty whore).

In my case, if you've made me wait, that sex better be phenomenal or the disappointment is going to make me break it off. Why waste valuable time for a lousy lay?

Lastly, this view of sex perpetuates a belief that is inherently negative towards women: that a woman's sole source of value is in their vagina. If you ask around, you'll find that some people believe there is some kind of inverse relationship between vaginal usage and the worth of the vagina's owner.

Or, roughly,



Kind of sick when you make it a graph, isn't it?







Edward's mystification of sex with his future wife is just a cover up for his basic belief that sex is the source of her value and that if she gave it too him too early, she is worthless.

And to him, personally, that may be true: but what does it say about you, that you'd sleep with a person who felt that way about you? Or what does it say about you, that you view yourself solely on the basis of your vagina?

Perhaps I'm the strange one, not to have such a view of sex. Maybe it's because the first girl I had sex with was a complete slut.

Now, when I say slut, I say, in this case, the conventional usage: she had a lot of sex, far too young to know what she was doing. She really did equate her vagina with her value and didn't value herself very much at all.

After all, when I first met her, my two best friends were trying to double-team her. I wasn't interested (I was 15 and had a handful of experiences with oral sex but had silly ideas about not having sex until ready).

Eventually, she pursued me (having refused my friends their good time), we began dating and I was taught a very valuable lesson: it's so much better to fuck someone who already knows how, than to start off clumsy. I had more, and odder, sex at 15 than most people I know had at 18 (with her, I began my great love of outdoor/exhibitionist sex).

Thus began my love of the slut. While I grew up and experienced personal growth, I found that my definitions of the word evolved from the common usage to something like a sainted position: the slut, as ultimate free spirit. The slut, as woman who isn't afraid to enjoy sex. With whomever they want. On their own terms.

I find them interesting, enticing: I love listening to women tell stories, I love sex and I love interesting things-- what's more interesting than listen to a woman tell stories about a lot of sex? And that's the great thing about the slut: she is so matter-of-fact, generally, that you may have these conversations. Detailed. Conversations.

She isn't uncomfortable with herself, with sex-- she likes to fuck and she'll fuck who she wants.

Tell me, who has more value? She who is in control of herself or she who fiercely protects her vaginal value from all comers, hoping to ensnare a man with her "mysteries?"

Mind you, it makes sense to protect yourself from those who would denigrate you: if a guy hates a slut, or would disrespect you, you probably shouldn't fuck him (unless you're into the slumming thing in which case more-- or less-- power to you).

Ladies, it isn't your vagina that will make a guy stop calling after the first date: it's you or it's him and there's nothing else to say about it. If it's you, you've had sex (or not), he didn't really feel a connection (with you and/or your vagina-- sorry, but sometimes it isn't you, personally, ladies) or if it's him, he wasn't looking for a commitment and it would have hurt all the more when he pursued you, finally had sex, and then stopped calling. Or maybe he's busy. Or maybe he's just a prick.

We're all adults, here. Have a conversation. Find out what the person wants. Find out what you want.

But in the end, keep in mind, always, that your value comes from who you are and that, at the very least, never fuck someone who has no respect for you-- even if it's after 14th date. It wouldn't turn out well, even if you got married later.